no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
