found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
