he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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