yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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