If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Farmville is her only friend.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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