well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
