shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
