Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
