At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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