The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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