the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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