True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
