My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
