Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Randomize
