I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
