walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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