Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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