I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
