I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The air taste purple.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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