he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
