either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
