There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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