She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
