I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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