Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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