Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
