I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
