Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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