hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
