I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
