I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have fence marks all over my body
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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