tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
