enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
