And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
