Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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