On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
