just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
