I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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