The maid of honor just puked.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
