So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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