Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
