I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
