Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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