My sheets look like a crime scene.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
