chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
