Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
