she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
