I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
