You're my little dorito
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i dont even know how to be here
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
