In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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