NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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